A. Hair: The easiest way to display your authority to a broad population is to take half of your bangs and spray them backwards and keep the other half in the front. The sign is universal.
B. Eyes: The good part about eyeliner is that you don’t ever have to take it off. It becomes part of you.
C. Skin: If you’re going out to the gas station or bar, put on some lipstick. Warning: this will get smudged when you shotgun a beer; bring it with you to reapply.
D. Waist: Even if your skirt is small, keep your belt big so no one forgets that you don't fuck around (figuratively).
E. Embellishment: The best way to both look good and narrow down job opportunities is to get a hand tattoo so everyone can see it. Kill two birds with one stone.
F. Hands: While you’re at it, put on same nail polish. Blue is a classic because it will always compliment your tattoo/bruises.
Mandy
A. Hair: When you have to get hair out of your face, keep things pretty up there. If you place everything correctly, it can even look like you’re wearing a casual tiara. Turn utility into royalty.
B. Eyes: Get some glasses that will cover a good amount of your face. You have to be able see from all angles if you have children or for when those toaster ovens go on sale.
C. Skin: It’s easy to get flushed when there are so many small miracles around. Anticipate this and match your shirt accordingly.
D. Waist: Just as god made vaginas to collect and comfort things, god made us a waist as a place to sit our pants. Don’t fight nature. Be a leader and show everyone how it’s done.
E. Embellishment: Start pulling out the Christmas sweaters on the first of September. You have until June to wear them, but you have to start early to fit them all in. Never repeat a sweater.
F. Hands: You don’t have to make them fancy; just make them gentle
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2 comments:
dang. this shit is good. some of the best.
seriously. i wish i had time to catalogue the brilliance, but i've got to go shotgun a beer.
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