How to Spot a Tammy: She's Uncooperative

When everyone in the local Guess Who? board game community/Keystone Light Fan Club agrees to wear a pattern for picture day, you can tell who the Tammy is by her plain black shirt.

Rare Pissy Full-bred Tammy Studio Portraits

How to Spot a Tammy: She's Caucasian And Has Been, And Always Will Be, Tan

The tan Tammy will start out looking like the mom you never had and always wanted to have sex with.


Her aesthetic will eventually turn into your neighbor you do shots with whose boyfriend smokes weed out of a homemade apple bong.


The last stage of Tan Tammy can go one of two ways. The first is she can dye her hair the color of car corrosion and take to spanking her grandchildren in public.


Or she can start her career as an internet model/diner waitress with a tendency to be casually racist.

Pure Examples: Eyeliner Tammy and Non-Eyeliner Tammy

Mandy and Courtney Overlap: Posed Photo Shoots

Both Mandy and Courtney both enjoy the awkward intimacy and heated lamp light of a portrait studio. As glamour shots have demonstrated, Mandys poses are extremely exact and reliant upon positions that are exceedingly unnatural to the human condition. Courtneys often try to pose but cannot focus their attention enough to maintain the position that well. They are also likely to look as though they are currently going to the bathroom or just took a whippet hit. Mandy has commitment while Courtney has heart.

Mandys:

The trick of being a Mandy is to make a very big deal seem like no big deal. They practiced that lean in their living room two weeks ago and almost separated over an argument about whether or not they should smile.

This pose is one of the most complicated varieties and can only be taken on by someone with both determination and a realistic fear that no boy will ever feel her up.

The closeted Tammy on the left will eventually hate herself for the amount of time she tolerated the conversation about which hand should be held over which hand.

These two Mandys have never said a swear word to each other ever in the 72 years they have been married and they recycle.

Courtneys:

Courtney couples like photographs because they capture the essence of their love without the smell of microwave popcorn and urine.

Courtneys know that if you put a lot of energy into demonstrating the western prairie side of your personality through intricate prop placement then all you really need is a white t-shirt and a mediocre attitude to make a photo.

People have the choice of thinking about their immediate and present situation that they are are in, or thinking about anything else such as Guiding Light, coleslaw, or naked people. Courtneys like the latter.

Although their pose may be somewhat exact, their faces make it clear that they aren't interested in understanding the true meaning of the chair. They rather be watching America's Funniest Home Videos with their shirts off.

How to be Tammy and Mandy: The Aesthetics Dissected

Tammy

A. Hair: The easiest way to display your authority to a broad population is to take half of your bangs and spray them backwards and keep the other half in the front. The sign is universal.

B. Eyes: The good part about eyeliner is that you don’t ever have to take it off. It becomes part of you.

C. Skin: If you’re going out to the gas station or bar, put on some lipstick. Warning: this will get smudged when you shotgun a beer; bring it with you to reapply.

D. Waist: Even if your skirt is small, keep your belt big so no one forgets that you don't fuck around (figuratively).

E. Embellishment: The best way to both look good and narrow down job opportunities is to get a hand tattoo so everyone can see it. Kill two birds with one stone.

F. Hands: While you’re at it, put on same nail polish. Blue is a classic because it will always compliment your tattoo/bruises.

Mandy

A. Hair: When you have to get hair out of your face, keep things pretty up there. If you place everything correctly, it can even look like you’re wearing a casual tiara. Turn utility into royalty.

B. Eyes: Get some glasses that will cover a good amount of your face. You have to be able see from all angles if you have children or for when those toaster ovens go on sale.

C. Skin: It’s easy to get flushed when there are so many small miracles around. Anticipate this and match your shirt accordingly.

D. Waist: Just as god made vaginas to collect and comfort things, god made us a waist as a place to sit our pants. Don’t fight nature. Be a leader and show everyone how it’s done.

E. Embellishment: Start pulling out the Christmas sweaters on the first of September. You have until June to wear them, but you have to start early to fit them all in. Never repeat a sweater.

F. Hands: You don’t have to make them fancy; just make them gentle

How to Spot a Tammy: County Fairs

Anyone at a county fair older than 25 years old without children, or anyone present past 9pm that’s not attending a Deana Carter concert, is undoubtedly a Tammy. The county fair is where all of Tammy’s latent dreams come true. For one night a year she can buy a glow in the dark beer yard, smoke weed on the ferris wheel, win $3.50 on the quarter machines, eat a candied apple and get molested in the haunted house. On a good year, Tammy will end the night by slicing the face of someone who was looking at her man with a broken bottle.













The county fair is also a magical place for burgeoning Courtneys because there are so many potential stuffed animals to be had and she doesn’t care that her best friend’s dad is winning her them in an attempt to have sex with her behind the 4-H barn.

Vote for the Reigning King and Queen of Mandys

Please vote on the right column for your favorite type of Mandy couple. The winners will be crowned as king and queen of the Mandy prom. You will have two weeks to vote.

mandyA

mandyB

mandyC

mandyD

mandyE

mandyF

Vote for the Reigning King and Queen of Tammys

Please vote on the right column for your favorite type of Tammy couple. The winners will be crowned as king and queen of the Tammy prom. You will have two weeks to vote.

tammyA

tammyB

tammyC

tammyD

tammyE

tammyF

Final Nominees

Tammy and Tammy:


Mandy and Mandy:

How to Spot a Mandy: She Looks Good

It’s important to go all out when you go out, and to some Mandys it’s important to go all out no matter what. You won’t ever see these Mandys not looking fancy. Because of all the inherent self scrutiny that accompanies the constant upkeep, these Mandys teeter on being fatalistically Tammyish [the wrinkles just keep on coming]- but internal optimism wins out in the end and Mandy’s attitude matches her make up.

Today's Nominees

Tammy and Tammy:

tammyE

Mandy and Mandy:

mandyE