Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Misty
This Misty is the actual embodiment of the first rogue twitch in your pants when you were in kindergarten.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Teen America Mandy
This type of Mandy likes writing in her diary, mall food courts, and hunky substitute teachers. She's basically all the sweet goof of Courtney without the cursing and smell of decaying prostitutes.
Lit Tammy
This is the type of Tammy that would be considered pretty mellow because she enjoys just sitting on the couch all day "babysitting" her grandkids while sipping on drinks she calls her "appetizers" and doing her makeup at the kitchen table, but she can get easily agitated when her husbands comes home and refuses to have a threesome with the mailman or when she loses track of where the bathroom is.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Update
Hi Friends. As I will be moving in a couple of months and starting graduate school in the fall, I will be winding down Tammy and Mandy within the next few weeks (perhaps to be resumed later in my life when I have turned from this:
to this:
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
72 Tammys
This Tammy Two-Step Party is so good that I would start behaving if you told me that this is what Heaven looks like.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Complicated Collections
Here is a Mandy who likes to draw and has made the portraits below. Her own captions are quoted with each one.
"Geez, I really need to create a recent drawing of this gorgeous man. Afterall, he is "The One"!Just wish I had the time. I really need to retire."
"Another picture done in the 80s of a soap actress named Charlotte Ross I admired at the time. She has since then been in several TV movies and series as well as films. She was most recently known for her 3yr stint on NYPD Blue as detective Connie McDowell."
"Oh yes, it's Patrick Swayze! My Mom and I had a thing for him during his "Dirty Dancing" days which is why we went to see "Point Break" at the theaters. We initially went for him but relatively unknown Keanu caught our eye. Patrick still holds a special place in our hearts, though."
"I did this a way back when I was into actor Joey Lawrence. This is a picture of him and his younger brothers who are also actors. A talented trio."
"This one is done on my favorite animal...cats. I put a rose in it's mouth to add my own personal touch."
This Mandy also has an entire room of her house devoted to the film The Matrix. She has posters, cardboard cutouts, and elaborate action figures.
But the best collection of all is Mandy's mother's (picture sadly unavailable) doll collection. This is not a store, but a room in a house.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Littlest One
For a little while I wasn't sure who this lady was (I just called her "Master of the Universe/My Pants"), but then I saw the first picture I posted below and realized that I found the most awesome and glamorous little Courtney that ever was. She is not holding anything back.
A Mandy Family
This Mandy family is characterized by being the sort of pedigree that you try to avoid from age eleven on, until you wake up in a river bank and realize that all the whippets, burn wounds, and dabbles in organized crime could have been avoided if only you had these doughy people and a striped shirt to surround you during those formative years.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Mandy's Participation
Mandy parenting can often be distinguished by Mandy's concern for her children's happiness over her concern for their safety, accountability, or dignity. This can play out with not only her allowance of, but also her participation in, such things like eating candy before dinner and singing loudly during the evening news. But then the kids get older.
Misty in Sunglasses
Unless you're Linda Pugach, wearing fantastic sunglasses every day in every situation for 40 years solely for aesthetic reasons pretty much makes you one big brazen Misty, who would be awesome except for the movie star delusions and deliberate refusal to make eye contact with the rest of the world.
Extra #1:
The only time a sunglasses Misty can remove her sunglasses is in the presence of an even more powerful and glacial Misty who would not tolerate any attention taken away from her delicate beauty and elegantly jam-packed colon.
Extra #1:
The only time a sunglasses Misty can remove her sunglasses is in the presence of an even more powerful and glacial Misty who would not tolerate any attention taken away from her delicate beauty and elegantly jam-packed colon.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Misty Works the System
Upper crust Mistys aren't favorable because they are powerful and get that way through calculated dominance like trapping birds in cages and meat eating and doing cunning sexual jazzercise and snake wizardry- that sort of thing. Mistys aren't the only ones who just want to get what's theirs, but they are the only ones who succeeds in the shitty prescribed game, which is both enviable and disappointing.
Extra #1:
Check out the sort of Courtneyish Misty in the back
Extra #2:
I imagine this has something to do with water skiing, but I'm not sure how. Young Misty is in the middle.
Extra #1:
Check out the sort of Courtneyish Misty in the back
Extra #2:
I imagine this has something to do with water skiing, but I'm not sure how. Young Misty is in the middle.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Celebrity Misty: Nancy Grace
Nancy Grace is as adorable as Dr. Laura Schlessinger but with less books and a little bit more cunt.
Typical Carriage
The way one carries themselves is obviously the largest external indicator of whether they are a Tammy, Mandy, Courtney, or Misty.
Tammy's body tends to have a fairly straight posture that is indicative of traditional confidence, but will often be in a relaxed position while her facial expression tends to be stiff. Her unbroken eye contact will be the most relentless part about her, until she gets drunk and in that case it becomes her vagina.
Mandy's demeanor is marked by artless and honest responses to things, quickly followed by self regulation and apologetic posture. Therefore, Mandys carriage can be either naturally bold or very hesitant and monitored- it tends to dance in between both, like there's an inconceivable gemstones sale playing on QVC while she has to explain to her child that his fish is dead.
Courtney's body tends to act as though it is unresistant inside a bouncy house, and that all space is an extension of her personal TV den. Courtney's posture is not upright, although it is out of comfort rather than out of uncertainty, and needless to say she put very little energy into regulating her reactions, facial expressions, and what comes out of, or in, her mouth.
Misty regulates how many times her husband can say the word "fart" in a week, so she's going to have a relentlessly controlled posture.
Tammy's body tends to have a fairly straight posture that is indicative of traditional confidence, but will often be in a relaxed position while her facial expression tends to be stiff. Her unbroken eye contact will be the most relentless part about her, until she gets drunk and in that case it becomes her vagina.
Mandy's demeanor is marked by artless and honest responses to things, quickly followed by self regulation and apologetic posture. Therefore, Mandys carriage can be either naturally bold or very hesitant and monitored- it tends to dance in between both, like there's an inconceivable gemstones sale playing on QVC while she has to explain to her child that his fish is dead.
Courtney's body tends to act as though it is unresistant inside a bouncy house, and that all space is an extension of her personal TV den. Courtney's posture is not upright, although it is out of comfort rather than out of uncertainty, and needless to say she put very little energy into regulating her reactions, facial expressions, and what comes out of, or in, her mouth.
Misty regulates how many times her husband can say the word "fart" in a week, so she's going to have a relentlessly controlled posture.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
A Classic Country Tammy Being Gentle To Things
Extra #1: The real fucking queen of wicker chairs.
Extra #2: Tammy's friend Courtney and a wine cooler.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Courtney Calling
I immediately assumed that this treasure was a Tammy, but after seeing her preoccupation with posing and the pink-haired Troll doll atop her computer, I realized this is just what a Courtney lesbian looks like. Sign me up to try on her baseball hat collection.
The Nurtured Misty
Sometimes a person's blind acceptance of wealthy American convention (plus an appearance so flawless that she undoubtedly retouches her makeup before bedtime) is strong enough that a Misty will result, even though she has the sweet sparks of someone without bitterness. This Misty acts out of learned tradition instead of calculated animosity; rather than putting her daughter on a diet out of resentment, she puts her daughter on a diet so she can find a man and be happy. This Misty can be naive and forgivable, but will ultimately strictly adhere to the prescribed code of conduct that is marked by judgment and exclusion- but you try maintaining those eyebrows for 60 years without thinking you're better than everyone else.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The Family Vacation Tammy
There are some Tammys from the 1970s who seem to arise solely from the hot beach of your fantasy family vacation where you're fourteen and she's an indefinably older townie and you sneak out at night smoke cigarettes in her brother's car and she says something about how you can't save her from the gin, pale lipstick, and implied working class conditions and then you kiss and she drives away and you have your first lesson about how unjust the world is because it's not fair that someone so hot will have to actually have a job.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Mistys Teaching Their Daughters to Wear Fur
The only way to acceptable way to wear fur is if it's fake and you're this Tammy:
How to Spot a Mandy: Traditional Jest
For Mandy, some jokes get started and won't stop like the one year at Christmas when she and her Mandy sister thought it would be a good idea to take a picture that highlighted both the tree as well as their affection for one another, but once it was developed, their homophobic men pose actually looked silly and instead of scrapping the whole thing they decided that maybe it would be a funny idea to do it again next year at Christmas and then for every other Christmas until one of them dies/can't find find a variation of Christmas sweater that she hasn't worn yet.
Featured Tammy
I considered for a second that this Tammy might be a Courtney, but when you have a curly mullet, man hands, and legs that give your grandchildren wet dreams, you're a Tammy.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The Daily Featured Photograph
[Courtney]
While carelessly day-dreaming about running away to Mexico with Courtney's gorgeous, polyester-clad labia, I couldn't help but be distracted by the murmur of my mother's admonitory description of how crotch rot occurs and yet another one of the good things in life was ruined by my parents.
While carelessly day-dreaming about running away to Mexico with Courtney's gorgeous, polyester-clad labia, I couldn't help but be distracted by the murmur of my mother's admonitory description of how crotch rot occurs and yet another one of the good things in life was ruined by my parents.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Strain Theory
Robert King Merton
Other than being that thing that whispers soft perversions to you through the cracks in the walls, Robert King Merton is just another white guy with a sociological theory called Strain Theory, which compares one's interest in conventional goals with one's interest in the conventional way of reaching those goals. The emphasis, or lack of emphasis, that individuals place on either of those two factors, combine to create four types of behaviors that can each conveniently be assigned to Tammy, Mandy, Courtney, and Misty.
To understand Strain Theory, consider the cultural goal to be having a child:
TAMMY: RETREATISM: Person loses sight of both means and goals
Tammy may have a child, but has no memory of the means in which it got there, and certainly isn't going to start to pay attention to any goal now.
MANDY: CONFORMITY: Person continues to accept goals and means set by society.
Mandy values both socially acceptable goals as well as the socially acceptable ways of reaching those goals. While for others the ceremony of getting married outweighs the actuality of marriage, Mandy sincerely values the daily under-salted meals and the occasional Franzia-induced "woman on top" sex that marriage brings- and she gets even more excited when the leeching, Go-Gurt stained offspring eventually show up.
COURTNEY: INNOVATION: Response when person accepts goals set by society but rejects socially acceptable means .
Courtney values and desires socially acceptable goals (like a water bed or novelty Rasta tam hat), but rejects the socially acceptable way of completing them (like paying for things with money). So, if Courtney's aim is to have a baby, she's not as much interested in the process of pregnancy as much as the end goal of having something other than her stuffed animals to watch Baywatch Nights with. So she does it her own way by getting inseminated by her teenage manager, smoking throughout the pregnancy, and scratching out the evidence in the photographs when the kid is old enough to ask questions.
MISTY: RITUALISM: Means and goals conformed to, but person loses sight of goals and has no real interest in outcome.
It may be that Misty likes the sexy Lord-filled copulation, but it's more likely that she enjoys being pregnant because she can't remember what it's like to not be pregnant and her vagina is too elephantine to get a job. Misty doesn't invest much into the end goal of what happens to the child after it comes out, and relies on after school programs, over-the-counter deliriants, and gangs to pick up the slack.
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