Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Familial Courtney Comfort To Babysit You Over The Break

The heart of the Courtney family is the duality between external neglect and internal nurturing in that it’s like a warm, comforting hug that smells like used maxi pads and basement mold. The love that is weaved in between a household of baseball hats, swear words, wood paneling, and possibly adopted cousins makes it an enjoyable afternoon on the unsupervised slip ‘n slide, but a night time novice may have to be eased into the snoring and uncontrolled ferret, or they may be calling their mother at 1am to come pick them up.

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Monday, July 28, 2008

A Favorite Photograph

This picture of two Tammys is one of my favorites.
I call it We Are All Going To Die

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Sunday, July 27, 2008

Everyone Likes Killing Fish

Tammy:
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Mandy:
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Courtney:
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Misty:
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Friday, July 25, 2008

Hybrid in Focus: The Hierarchy of Mistys as Explained Through Jinn

Ancient Arabic people believed in a hierarchy of Jinn (the plural of genie). This social order is useful because jinn are like the supernatural versions of Mistys in that they often appear to be pleasant and beneficial but can be despondent and malicious.

Jann are the lowest and weakest type of genie. Jann Mistys are essentially otherwise happy Mandys with a detrimental obsessive compulsive disorder. These Mistys have children who are only allowed to be in the playroom and certain parts of the bathroom. Jann Mistys like to dress up their children on holidays and weekends and they will generally later regret giving their daughters the silent treatment for wiping their hands on the guest towels.
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Djinn are the most common type of genie, but not that powerful and are often trapped in bottles/mid-American homes. Djinn Mistys are the slow mass of leisurely judgmental Christians that push out large litters of blond, bread-faced offspring that stunt the variation in the human gene pool. Djinn Misty's self-hatred and doubt is numbed by her significant reproductive contribution to the expanse of the dim, consuming middle layer of America. These Mistys don’t necessarily have individual power, but all together as a whole, they are successfully destroying the world.
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Shaitans are more dangerous and uglier genies who eat dirt and other waste. Shaitan Mistys are like Djinn Mistys except sharper, angrier, and with tighter vaginas. Shaitan Mistys will aggressively ignore social rules to let you know obvious stuff such as that while god hates fags he loves live babies. These Mistys also do things in private like pinch their bedridden parents/cat, hold in their pee for days, and bomb their dentist's car.
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Marida are the most powerful of all jinn and mostly run with kings, presidents, and other powerful people (Rachael Ray). Marida Mistys are Shaitan Mistys with more social and economic status and, therefore, more influence. These Mistys are aware of their own godlessness and soullessness but aren't happy about it and take it out on children in third world countries who sew their clothing line. Marida Mistys are like angrier Tammys with more plastic surgery, appointment books, and bulimia.
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Thursday, July 24, 2008

How to Spot a Mandy: Lawn Decoration and The Spectrum of Mandyness

Mandys like lawns because they are essentially shelves for the outdoors. Lawns are also a good way to learn whether a Mandy leans more towards a Courtney personality, a Misty personality, or is directly in the middle of the broader spectrum of Mandyness.


The Comic/Bold Lawn is the lawn with Courtney tendencies. Self-aware Mandys tend to choose such amusing treats as the lady bending over, huge blow-up holiday decorations, traditional garden gnomes, large lawn globes, and pink flamingos.


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The Delicate Fantasy Lawn is the lawn with Misty tendencies. Mandy takes these decorations pretty seriously and they tend to involve fairies, modest lawn globes, cherubs, gargoles, white christmas light things, any unpainted alabastrite figures, and fountains.









The Rural Lawn is the lawn with traditional Mandy tendencies. It can be whimsical but sincere and includes things such as gentle American flags, bird houses, seasonal gourdes, animal figures, sleds, wagons, colored Christmas tree lights, wreaths, and fences.



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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Unexpected Courtney and Misty Hair Overlap: The Front Upper Pony Tail

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Traditional Misty Hair

Typical Mistys like to keep things short and controlled, especially in regards to her orgasms and hair cuts. Short hair also stays out of the way when Misty is pregnant, cutting herself with a broken baby bottle, praying, dying, or intentionally giving her grandson an eating disorder. There is commonly slight volume towards the top of the head as a small demonstration of femininity, but not enough to make you think immoral thoughts.

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Monday, July 21, 2008

Traditional Courtney Hair

The nature of Courtney is marked by being half-assed in that her initial effort to be extraordinary is usually immediately followed by her contentment at not meeting that original goal. Courtney starts off with the intention of making her hair look exactly like Julia Roberts in Mystic Pizza, which soon becomes less interesting than smoking a joint and throwing Bagel Bites at squirrels. The hair, therefore, ends up with significant volume, but little consistency. After the accidental addition of cat litter or semen and a few nights of sleeping on the couch, Courtney ends up with a common hairstyle for her kind.

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Saturday, July 19, 2008

Everybody Smiling: Have a Good Weekend

Vote For One of These Bombshells -->
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Also, A Saturday Query
Gendered Renaissance Living Room Art: Mandy, Misty, or Other?

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