Familial Courtney Comfort To Babysit You Over The Break

The heart of the Courtney family is the duality between external neglect and internal nurturing in that it’s like a warm, comforting hug that smells like used maxi pads and basement mold. The love that is weaved in between a household of baseball hats, swear words, wood paneling, and possibly adopted cousins makes it an enjoyable afternoon on the unsupervised slip ‘n slide, but a night time novice may have to be eased into the snoring and uncontrolled ferret, or they may be calling their mother at 1am to come pick them up.

Tammy and Mandy will return on August 6th, 2008

A Favorite Photograph

This picture of two Tammys is one of my favorites.
I call it We Are All Going To Die

Everyone Likes Killing Fish

Tammy:


Mandy:


Courtney:


Misty:

Hybrid in Focus: The Hierarchy of Mistys as Explained Through Jinn

Ancient Arabic people believed in a hierarchy of Jinn (the plural of genie). This social order is useful because jinn are like the supernatural versions of Mistys in that they often appear to be pleasant and beneficial but can be despondent and malicious.

Jann are the lowest and weakest type of genie. Jann Mistys are essentially otherwise happy Mandys with a detrimental obsessive compulsive disorder. These Mistys have children who are only allowed to be in the playroom and certain parts of the bathroom. Jann Mistys like to dress up their children on holidays and weekends and they will generally later regret giving their daughters the silent treatment for wiping their hands on the guest towels.




Djinn are the most common type of genie, but not that powerful and are often trapped in bottles/mid-American homes. Djinn Mistys are the slow mass of leisurely judgmental Christians that push out large litters of blond, bread-faced offspring that stunt the variation in the human gene pool. Djinn Misty's self-hatred and doubt is numbed by her significant reproductive contribution to the expanse of the dim, consuming middle layer of America. These Mistys don’t necessarily have individual power, but all together as a whole, they are successfully destroying the world.






Shaitans are more dangerous and uglier genies who eat dirt and other waste. Shaitan Mistys are like Djinn Mistys except sharper, angrier, and with tighter vaginas. Shaitan Mistys will aggressively ignore social rules to let you know obvious stuff such as that while god hates fags he loves live babies. These Mistys also do things in private like pinch their bedridden parents/cat, hold in their pee for days, and bomb their dentist's car.






Marida are the most powerful of all jinn and mostly run with kings, presidents, and other powerful people (Rachael Ray). Marida Mistys are Shaitan Mistys with more social and economic status and, therefore, more influence. These Mistys are aware of their own godlessness and soullessness but aren't happy about it and take it out on children in third world countries who sew their clothing line. Marida Mistys are like angrier Tammys with more plastic surgery, appointment books, and bulimia.

How to Spot a Mandy: Lawn Decoration and The Spectrum of Mandyness

Mandys like lawns because they are essentially shelves for the outdoors. Lawns are also a good way to learn whether a Mandy leans more towards a Courtney personality, a Misty personality, or is directly in the middle of the broader spectrum of Mandyness.

The Comic/Bold Lawn is the lawn with Courtney tendencies. Self-aware Mandys tend to choose such amusing treats as the lady bending over, huge blow-up holiday decorations, traditional garden gnomes, large lawn globes, and pink flamingos.









The Delicate Fantasy Lawn is the lawn with Misty tendencies. Mandy takes these decorations pretty seriously and they tend to involve fairies, modest lawn globes, cherubs, gargoles, white christmas light things, any unpainted alabastrite figures, and fountains.









The Rural Lawn is the lawn with traditional Mandy tendencies. It can be whimsical but sincere and includes things such as gentle American flags, bird houses, seasonal gourdes, animal figures, sleds, wagons, colored Christmas tree lights, wreaths, and fences.

The Unexpected Courtney and Misty Hair Overlap: The Front Upper Pony Tail

Traditional Misty Hair

Typical Mistys like to keep things short and controlled, especially in regards to her orgasms and hair cuts. Short hair also stays out of the way when Misty is pregnant, cutting herself with a broken baby bottle, praying, dying, or intentionally giving her grandson an eating disorder. There is commonly slight volume towards the top of the head as a small demonstration of femininity, but not enough to make you think immoral thoughts.

Traditional Courtney Hair

The nature of Courtney is marked by being half-assed in that her initial effort to be extraordinary is usually immediately followed by her contentment at not meeting that original goal. Courtney starts off with the intention of making her hair look exactly like Julia Roberts in Mystic Pizza, which soon becomes less interesting than smoking a joint and throwing Bagel Bites at squirrels. The hair, therefore, ends up with significant volume, but little consistency. After the accidental addition of cat litter or semen and a few nights of sleeping on the couch, Courtney ends up with a common hairstyle for her kind.

Everybody Smiling: Have a Good Weekend

Vote For One of These Bombshells -->


Also, A Saturday Query
Gendered Renaissance Living Room Art: Mandy, Misty, or Other?

Trying New Things

Awkward or Awesome?

Tammy trying on a Mandy shirt/boyfriend:


Mandys trying beer:


Courtney trying out hygiene/being a pageant mom:


Misty trying out a motorcyle:

Steppin' Out in Tammy Shoes

Hybrid in Focus: Courtney's Living Room Decorations

The Courtney living room is composed of five simple requirements:
1. Rotating holiday decorations
2. Artificial representations of the things you hunt
3. A gun to show how you kill them
4. A pet cage, regardless of if there is anything in it
5. An absence of birth control

Traditional Beach Sex Appeal

To keep things randy.

Tammys:


Mandy (who, using some rare and powerful wizardry, has made the one-piece scoop back look good):


Courtneys:


Misty:

1970s Mistys

Some were like this:


But others were different. In the late sixties and early seventies, couples swinging became popular in small pockets of American culture through the practice of nonmonogamous sex. Although swinging is seemingly more Tammy’s style, Tammy’s behavior isn’t so contrived that she could organize key parties. Tammy easily finds herself upside down over the dog kennel or fucking someone with her shoe- but given the task of thinking up something kinky, the best Tammy can come up with is spin the bottle. Many swingers were actually jaded Mistys who were academic, fancy and overly praised, but feared they did not actually stand up to the admiration they received and, further, feared that life was meaningless but didn't want it to be. These sort of Mistys dulled their desperation with the solution of manufactured sexual freedom and attempted to prove their significance through their intellectual and social maturation in the matters of sex and coupling.

It's still true today that nothing is more indulgent than smoking a cigarette at the dinner table in between bites of pie or watching your husband have sex with your less wealthy best friend in the family room:


The Mandy daughters who put these pictures of their moms on their flickr.com page under the heading "what was she thinking?!" were referring to the fashion rather than the fact that they were taken by someone who isn't their dad in a unidentified motel room and there is a naked version of each photo out there somewhere that sometimes keeps their aged Misty moms awake at night wondering where it is:

Tammy and Mandy will be meager until the end of next week

Here are some Tammys in shorts to keep your erection going for awhile.






If you find it questionable whether or not she's a Tammy, look here:





I think I found her shirt online:

Parenting Styles

Diana Baumrind

In the 1970s, a psychologist/my wet dream named Diana Baumrind did research on parenting and she identified four main parenting styles in early child development: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and neglectful (read what an anonymous loser said about it here). There has been so much agreement that authoritative parenting is the best style that the categories may be renamed as such: America parenting (authoritative), Fascism parenting (authoritarian), The Bad Parts of Europe parenting (permissive), and Anarchy parenting (neglectful).

Relatedly, there are various patterns in parenting styles that accompany being a Tammy, Mandy, Courtney, and Misty. Here is each with a blank slate blond daughter they were given to raise and dress up:

The Tammy parenting style is primarily marked by Tammy's empty promises, whether it be a failure to follow through on a punishment for the child or a failure to follow through on an agreement not to drink so much vodka that she'll take off her shirt and pass out on top of the pool cover again. This lack of adherence to strict rules makes for a laid back household, which is good for the children because they learn to make their own boundaries and good for Tammy because her daughter's boyfriend is not necessarily off limits. Because of the atypical carefree structure, Tammy families have the potential to be strong and intimate because it is them against the conformed world.

Since Mandy both likes rules and is inherently pleased by the smell of her own child's mucus, she is very involved in both structuring and supporting her children's lives. Her expectations and rules are high but she supports her reticent son's band called Tit Job and let's her kids watch Chucky movies because she doesn't know what they are. Daughters of Mandy develop into Mandys themselves and tend to align with the restrictions that her mother intended for her. One is seen here above around the age of 18 wearing traditional feathers and hair product in a coming of age ceremonial glamour shot with the women of her maternal family.

Courtney moms lack real rules like Tammy and have the relentless love of a Mandy, which somehow creates the most successful and happiest of all the offspring because they tend to get their associates degree in computers and any incestuous relationships they have with their uncles are consensual.

Misty is often too distracted by hating the smell of her own vagina to raise her children, but when she engages, her parenting style is equivalent to playing hard to get in that she shows some interest or scorn and then shuts down and waits for her children to come to her to solicit love/food/spankings. Not only does this create more control for Misty, it also creates an endless supply of Hooters waitresses.

How to Spot a Mandy: She Shows Them the Way

Nurture and Mistys

It is possible that Tammys, Mandys, and Courtneys are all born with some inherent qualities that lead them to whom they will become, but Mistys aren't born Mistys- they are created. Most Mistys start out as Mandys and undergo a series of disappointments/failures until they slowly realize, but never truly accept, that there is no God. The tragedies Mistys undergo can include alcoholic parents, sexual abuse, accidental deaths, and poverty- but the most common, and most devastating, way Mandys are turned into Mistys is through the systematic failure of a restricted diet. No one arrives as sad as Misty; it's the years of cucumbers, apples, and black coffee sans results that creates the monster.

Tammy and Mandy will be out for most of the long weekend. Enjoy America.

Sunshine and Tammys

Wearing Sexuality

A major aspect of defining the difference between Tammy and Mandy is recognizing the divergence in how they do or do not display their sexual experience through their aesthetic. Tammy makes it clear what she has known and she has always known too much. Her identity relies on having seen it all before and she challenges you to present her with something she hasn’t yet put in her vagina. Tammy’s attitude projects both that she has no time for sexual indulgences because she has seen it all before, and that she has an inevitable drive toward repeating those sexual indulgences.
No matter how much sex Mandy has had, her gentle naiveté demonstrates her disinterest in sex compared to the romance surrounding sex. Mandy’s identity is based on that there is so much more to know about love, for which sex is only one of the exciting components [the other components include slow dancing, teddy bears, and anything French].


She has slept with both your sisters...She's not sure what a blow job is

Sexually active Tammy (without the kids you would still have a feeling she doesn't remember when she had a hymen) :


Sexually active Mandy (without the kids you might assume she had only practiced open mouth kissing with a mirror) :


Unknowingly dodging the dualities, Courtney is actually a virgin whore (not so much in a self-aware Cybill Shepherd circa 1970s way; rather, in a way that she emulates prostitutes only because they are beautiful, not sexual). Courtneys may have a lot of sex and know a lot, but she responds to it in a way similar to how Mandy does.


Mistys have a lot of sex to produce children, which she somehow thinks will make her look more virginal. It's a vicious cycle.

Cleaning Out The Photo Album: More Mandys in Fancy Shirts

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Sometimes the only thing more exciting to Mandy than a panda bear t-shirt is waiting those long days for her cousin Chad to notice it.


Traditional advice would impart that if you’re going to go with a bold backdrop theme, like the outdoorsy representation of forced imperialism, a floral pattern won’t work- but this Mandy pulled it off.


When Mandy reaches a certain age, it's important to wear something really fancy to distract from her broken uterus.


Sometimes being the youngest Mandy sister means there’s not that much pressure on you and you actually end up with the best taste in tank tops and less brain damage from exposure to the chemicals in hair permanents.

How to Spot a Mandy: Public Pornography

The nice thing about being a Mandy is that she doesn’t need privacy to view her pornography. Suspense stories, tabloids and romance novels can be read almost anywhere without public outcry and soap operas needn’t be turned off when company comes over. Mandys also have access to a new strand of acceptable written pornography for women labeled chick lit and a visual component labeled Sex and the City. This sort of porn is easily found under the category/alias of "Girl Power".

Winners: TammyA and MandyA

The originals win the popular vote.





And, although the contest was not supposed to produce anything but winners and these two received no less votes than anyone else, I am inescapably compelled to reinforce the redundancy of what everyone has always known: these guys are the losers.