How to Spot a Tammy: She's Uncooperative

When everyone in the local Guess Who? board game community/Keystone Light Fan Club agrees to wear a pattern for picture day, you can tell who the Tammy is by her plain black shirt.

Rare Pissy Full-bred Tammy Studio Portraits

How to Spot a Tammy: She's Caucasian And Has Been, And Always Will Be, Tan

The tan Tammy will start out looking like the mom you never had and always wanted to have sex with.


Her aesthetic will eventually turn into your neighbor you do shots with whose boyfriend smokes weed out of a homemade apple bong.


The last stage of Tan Tammy can go one of two ways. The first is she can dye her hair the color of car corrosion and take to spanking her grandchildren in public.


Or she can start her career as an internet model/diner waitress with a tendency to be casually racist.

Pure Examples: Eyeliner Tammy and Non-Eyeliner Tammy

Mandy and Courtney Overlap: Posed Photo Shoots

Both Mandy and Courtney both enjoy the awkward intimacy and heated lamp light of a portrait studio. As glamour shots have demonstrated, Mandys poses are extremely exact and reliant upon positions that are exceedingly unnatural to the human condition. Courtneys often try to pose but cannot focus their attention enough to maintain the position that well. They are also likely to look as though they are currently going to the bathroom or just took a whippet hit. Mandy has commitment while Courtney has heart.

Mandys:

The trick of being a Mandy is to make a very big deal seem like no big deal. They practiced that lean in their living room two weeks ago and almost separated over an argument about whether or not they should smile.

This pose is one of the most complicated varieties and can only be taken on by someone with both determination and a realistic fear that no boy will ever feel her up.

The closeted Tammy on the left will eventually hate herself for the amount of time she tolerated the conversation about which hand should be held over which hand.

These two Mandys have never said a swear word to each other ever in the 72 years they have been married and they recycle.

Courtneys:

Courtney couples like photographs because they capture the essence of their love without the smell of microwave popcorn and urine.

Courtneys know that if you put a lot of energy into demonstrating the western prairie side of your personality through intricate prop placement then all you really need is a white t-shirt and a mediocre attitude to make a photo.

People have the choice of thinking about their immediate and present situation that they are are in, or thinking about anything else such as Guiding Light, coleslaw, or naked people. Courtneys like the latter.

Although their pose may be somewhat exact, their faces make it clear that they aren't interested in understanding the true meaning of the chair. They rather be watching America's Funniest Home Videos with their shirts off.

How to be Tammy and Mandy: The Aesthetics Dissected

Tammy

A. Hair: The easiest way to display your authority to a broad population is to take half of your bangs and spray them backwards and keep the other half in the front. The sign is universal.

B. Eyes: The good part about eyeliner is that you don’t ever have to take it off. It becomes part of you.

C. Skin: If you’re going out to the gas station or bar, put on some lipstick. Warning: this will get smudged when you shotgun a beer; bring it with you to reapply.

D. Waist: Even if your skirt is small, keep your belt big so no one forgets that you don't fuck around (figuratively).

E. Embellishment: The best way to both look good and narrow down job opportunities is to get a hand tattoo so everyone can see it. Kill two birds with one stone.

F. Hands: While you’re at it, put on same nail polish. Blue is a classic because it will always compliment your tattoo/bruises.

Mandy

A. Hair: When you have to get hair out of your face, keep things pretty up there. If you place everything correctly, it can even look like you’re wearing a casual tiara. Turn utility into royalty.

B. Eyes: Get some glasses that will cover a good amount of your face. You have to be able see from all angles if you have children or for when those toaster ovens go on sale.

C. Skin: It’s easy to get flushed when there are so many small miracles around. Anticipate this and match your shirt accordingly.

D. Waist: Just as god made vaginas to collect and comfort things, god made us a waist as a place to sit our pants. Don’t fight nature. Be a leader and show everyone how it’s done.

E. Embellishment: Start pulling out the Christmas sweaters on the first of September. You have until June to wear them, but you have to start early to fit them all in. Never repeat a sweater.

F. Hands: You don’t have to make them fancy; just make them gentle

How to Spot a Tammy: County Fairs

Anyone at a county fair older than 25 years old without children, or anyone present past 9pm that’s not attending a Deana Carter concert, is undoubtedly a Tammy. The county fair is where all of Tammy’s latent dreams come true. For one night a year she can buy a glow in the dark beer yard, smoke weed on the ferris wheel, win $3.50 on the quarter machines, eat a candied apple and get molested in the haunted house. On a good year, Tammy will end the night by slicing the face of someone who was looking at her man with a broken bottle.













The county fair is also a magical place for burgeoning Courtneys because there are so many potential stuffed animals to be had and she doesn’t care that her best friend’s dad is winning her them in an attempt to have sex with her behind the 4-H barn.

Vote for the Reigning King and Queen of Mandys

Please vote on the right column for your favorite type of Mandy couple. The winners will be crowned as king and queen of the Mandy prom. You will have two weeks to vote.

mandyA

mandyB

mandyC

mandyD

mandyE

mandyF

Vote for the Reigning King and Queen of Tammys

Please vote on the right column for your favorite type of Tammy couple. The winners will be crowned as king and queen of the Tammy prom. You will have two weeks to vote.

tammyA

tammyB

tammyC

tammyD

tammyE

tammyF

Final Nominees

Tammy and Tammy:


Mandy and Mandy:

How to Spot a Mandy: She Looks Good

It’s important to go all out when you go out, and to some Mandys it’s important to go all out no matter what. You won’t ever see these Mandys not looking fancy. Because of all the inherent self scrutiny that accompanies the constant upkeep, these Mandys teeter on being fatalistically Tammyish [the wrinkles just keep on coming]- but internal optimism wins out in the end and Mandy’s attitude matches her make up.

Today's Nominees

Tammy and Tammy:

tammyE

Mandy and Mandy:

mandyE

Today's Nominees

Tammy and Tammy:

tammyD

Mandy and Mandy:

mandyD

How to Spot a Mandy: Mirroring and Best Friendships

It is obvious that strong ties between parents and their child provide the baby's first model for intimate relationships and foster a sense of security and positive self-esteem. And parents' responsiveness to an infant's signals can affect the child's social and cognitive development. One essential way to bond is called mirroring, which is copying the baby’s movements and sounds. Mirroring also happens to be how Mandy forms a sense of security and positive self-esteem with her best friend. The dynamic relies on agreement and emulating each other; whoever Mandy’s best friend is, she is as well- and they have likely come to this identity together through People magazine, watered down Christianity/Chicken Soup for the Soul books, ice cream, snow globes, and Bath and Body Works. Mandy uses this best friendship as a tool of self definition. Her best friendship is the sort of friendship that is akin to masturbation in that Mandy ideally finds herself in the other and interacts with the other as if it were herself. These relationships can commence as early as junior high and once Mandy has established a relationship with a best friend, their connection becomes increasingly closer and a shared identity becomes increasingly narrowed down to the core. As these types of friendships naturally taper off for most everybody else by their early twenties, Mandys’ best friendships last far into adulthood.

Mandy best friends:

Tammy and Mandy in the News: Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon

Mandy finally strapped her down. Article here .

More Glamor With Courtney

Today's Nominees

Tammy and Tammy:

tammyC

Mandy and Mandy:

mandyC

Mandy With An Actual Duck Figurine

For Anna

They Welcome You Back

Tammy and Mandy will return on June 18th, 2008.

Today's Nominees

Tammy and Tammy:

tammyB

Mandy and Mandy:

mandyB

The Tammy and Mandy Prom

I will eventually be holding a vote for the reigning queen and king for each Tammy and Mandy. The Daily Tammy and Mandy photos will be replaced by the nominees.

Today's Tammy and Tammy:

tammyA

Today's Mandy and Mandy:

mandyA

Tammy and Mandy Overlap: Wedding Receptions

To be considered domesticated, a population must have their behavior, life cycle, or physiology systemically altered as a result of being under control for many generations. Animals that do not fully meet this criterion are designated captive-bred or semi-domesticated. Tammys do get married but intrinsically cannot move beyond captive-bred to fully domesticated. They do, however, love attending a good wedding for a fairly obvious reason.

Tammy Bride:


Tammy Wedding Guests:








Some unexplained phenomena are so common that cultures accept them as standard. Despite all documented scientific reasoning, Mandy equates marriage to prosperity and 19th century castles rather than hamburger helper and emotional unavailability. The mysticism of marriage for Mandy goes beyond her inherent need to keep constant company with someone; it represents the summation of faith before logic- that life will be better than it has already relentlessly proven to be.
Even if she is not the bride, Mandy likes attending weddings to experience a piece of the Victorian cartoon spirit. The closer Mandy stands to the bride, the more likely she will be included in the life of canopy beds and singing baby animals. So you can easily spot a Mandy at a wedding; she will be the one standing next to the bride the entire time because she likely made it into the wedding party.

Mandy Bride:


Mandy Wedding Guests:

The Daily Tammy and Mandy

Today's Daily Mandy Glamour Shot and Daily Unhappy Tammy will be replaced by a photo of each with a gender ambiguous partner.

Tammy:


Mandy:

The Daily Unhappy Tammy

d

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

Imparted Tammy Photo: "Tammy and a small horse"

Photo from Laura Brothers. Send found photographs to sanger.devon@gmail.com.

Tattoos

While traditionally only Tammys had the bravery/government check to get a tattoo, times have changed and many types of people have the potential to get them.

•Traditional Tammy getting tattoo:

•Many Mandys would still never consider getting a tattoo, but some Red Hat Mandys have become wildly disobedient and get tattoos with their girlfriends or daughters. It’s either that or a belly button ring. Some Mandys picking out tattoos:

•Courtney loves fucking cute things and there is no better way to pay tribute than getting them permanently inked on her body. A common Courtney tattoo:

•There is a type of Misty that takes her sophomoric desperation and turns it into atheism, which she becomes intensely devoted to and reliant upon just as she would any other religion (undermining the idea that nothing matters). This Misty may get very into the aesthetics of "godlessness", which is naturally agreed to be black clothes and eyeliner streaks simulating tears. This type of Misty will sometimes get a tattoo because that's how much nothing matters.

How to Spot a Tammy: She Looks Like This 45% Of The Time:

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

The Daily Unhappy Tammy

Hybrid in Focus: Courtney Glamour Shots

Being that Courtney (Tm) is all Mandyness on the inside, she naturally wants to get glamour shots of herself. This results in a photo capturing the awkward struggle of Courtney's inner Mandyness trying to tame her outer Tammyness:







Note: Most Courtneys will label their portraits "glamor shot" rather than "glamour shot". No need to get that fucking fancy about it.

Hybrid in Focus: Misty Pageant Moms

Misty (Mt) is the repressed Tammy with a forced Mandy exterior. Any mother who puts her child in beauty pageants for reasons other than avoiding impending poverty is a Misty. This is a transparent tactic to make herself and the world have meaning, just like any fundamentalist religion (unfortunately, these Mistys are inherently doomed because there is no activity that proves there is no god better than child pageants). The more Misty fears that life is futile, the bigger the coveted trophy. These Mistys are also the only women who still actually use douches on a regular basis.

The Daily Unhappy Tammy

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

The Daily Unhappy Tammy

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

The Daily Unhappy Tammy

How to Spot a Mandy: Patterned Shirts

Nothing sustains your faith in angels more than a patterned shirt.

(don't get confused- this is an upstate Mandy [above])

It's not that you'll never catch a Tammy with something on her shirt, but she probably got drunk before she got dressed:

The Daily Unhappy Tammy

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

Two Types of Tammys

There are two types of Tammys: those who wear eyeliner, and those who don’t. The cores of these Tammys are the same, but there is a slight variation between the two. Eyeliner Tammys are the ones who drink diet pepsi, wear rough unicorns, and will slice you/have sex with you the quickest. Non-eyeliner Tammys look traditionally tough, so they don’t have to be the fastest to let you know they will fuck you up; you already know they will.

Already featured eyeliner Tammys:

Already featured non-eyeliner Tammys:

Mistys for the Afternoon

There are some Mistys that don't even want to believe in God, which ends up being just a bunch of despondent people wearing Mandy clothes.

The Daily Unhappy Tammy

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

Coupling

Human evolution and sustainability is dependent on genetic variation and mating is an important way to introduce new gene combinations into a population. As you’ve always heard: the more unprotected fucking between genetically different people, the better. But humans often stick with their own kind, accenting how truly segregated we are. A purebred Tammy (Tt) or Mandy (Mm) likely had two parents who were both their own kind. Some science suggests that heterosexual women are attracted to men that look, smell, and act like their dad (poorly evidenced here and here). That means purebred Tammys and Mandys seek out partners that are the same as them and their dads (Happy Father’s Day!). There are also social factors to consider. But whatever the cause, the truth is that it’s way easier to find photographs of Tammys partnering with Tammys and Mandys partnering with Mandys. But I think once Obama is president, things will really change. America is ready for stronger genetic hybrids; America is ready for a more perfect union between Tammys and Mandys.

Tammy Couples:













Mandy Couples:

The Daily Unhappy Tammy

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

The Daily Unhappy Tammy

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

How to Spot a Mandy: Casual Dining Restaurant Chains

There are many tiers of casual dining chain restaurants defined by various factors, and at some point up the ladder the establishments begin to sell alcohol. Of these restaurants, Mandys most covet those with an apostrophe: T.G.I. Friday’s, Chili’s, and Applebee’s. The good time atmosphere, the eclectic menus with choices varying from steak, to hamburgers, to taco salad with beef, and the trough-style appetizers all make for a great experience for Mandy. They also make for a good place to get drinks with the girls after work and it also serves as a potential place to find a soul mate. A couple times a year Mandy will opt to be special/Italian and go to The Olive Garden, perhaps for her birthday.

Drinks with the girls:

Olive Garden:

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

The Daily Unhappy Tammy