Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Her aesthetic will eventually turn into your neighbor you do shots with whose boyfriend smokes weed out of a homemade apple bong.
The last stage of Tan Tammy can go one of two ways. The first is she can dye her hair the color of car corrosion and take to spanking her grandchildren in public.
Or she can start her career as an internet model/diner waitress with a tendency to be casually racist.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
This pose is one of the most complicated varieties and can only be taken on by someone with both determination and a realistic fear that no boy will ever feel her up.
The closeted Tammy on the left will eventually hate herself for the amount of time she tolerated the conversation about which hand should be held over which hand.
Courtney couples like photographs because they capture the essence of their love without the smell of microwave popcorn and urine.
People have the choice of thinking about their immediate and present situation that they are are in, or thinking about anything else such as Guiding Light, coleslaw, or naked people. Courtneys like the latter.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
A. Hair: The easiest way to display your authority to a broad population is to take half of your bangs and spray them backwards and keep the other half in the front. The sign is universal.
B. Eyes: The good part about eyeliner is that you don’t ever have to take it off. It becomes part of you.
C. Skin: If you’re going out to the gas station or bar, put on some lipstick. Warning: this will get smudged when you shotgun a beer; bring it with you to reapply.
D. Waist: Even if your skirt is small, keep your belt big so no one forgets that you don't fuck around (figuratively).
E. Embellishment: The best way to both look good and narrow down job opportunities is to get a hand tattoo so everyone can see it. Kill two birds with one stone.
F. Hands: While you’re at it, put on same nail polish. Blue is a classic because it will always compliment your tattoo/bruises.
A. Hair: When you have to get hair out of your face, keep things pretty up there. If you place everything correctly, it can even look like you’re wearing a casual tiara. Turn utility into royalty.
B. Eyes: Get some glasses that will cover a good amount of your face. You have to be able see from all angles if you have children or for when those toaster ovens go on sale.
C. Skin: It’s easy to get flushed when there are so many small miracles around. Anticipate this and match your shirt accordingly.
D. Waist: Just as god made vaginas to collect and comfort things, god made us a waist as a place to sit our pants. Don’t fight nature. Be a leader and show everyone how it’s done.
E. Embellishment: Start pulling out the Christmas sweaters on the first of September. You have until June to wear them, but you have to start early to fit them all in. Never repeat a sweater.
F. Hands: You don’t have to make them fancy; just make them gentle
Monday, June 23, 2008
The county fair is also a magical place for burgeoning Courtneys because there are so many potential stuffed animals to be had and she doesn’t care that her best friend’s dad is winning her them in an attempt to have sex with her behind the 4-H barn.