Celebrity Mandy: Richard Simmons

Richard Simmons is one of the strongest Mandys in both America and Canada combined, fulfilling almost 100% of the strict purebred criteria:

• Positive attitude: Richard believes in dreams, faith, a reason for everything, and probably leprechauns- and his sole intention is to motivate you to feel the same way. He is an evangelist for the way of Mandy.

• Weight loss: Richard is committed to staying slim, but without restrictive diets. That means weight loss and chocolate.

• Accessibility: Richard has tapped the vast Mandy market by addressing the average woman because he's just an average person himself. One can even write to him personally on his website.

• Dolls: Richard loves, collects and sells dolls, such as this one:

• Associations: Richard has used his popularity to penetrate the inner circle of powerful Mandy media. Here he is with two Mandy Christ figures, Rosie O'Donnell and Celine Dion:

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

The Daily Unhappy Tammy

The Daily Unhappy Tammy

Tammys Who Use the Computer

75% of Tammys who have computer skills use them to go on internet dating sites, and 95% of Tammys who go on internet dating sites have one goal in mind: to find someone to "snuggle on the couch watching movies" with, which is easy to translate.

Tammys from internet dating sites who stated they were into "couch snuggling":

(she might actually just want to snuggle [above])

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

A Misty for the Afternoon

She really wants to like the figurines.

Cigarettes and Diet Soda

Are these women Tammys or Mandys? There seems to be two opposing factors: cigarettes and diet pepsi. Tammys like cigarettes and Mandys like their diet soda and science would suggest that they would each stick to their own vice. However, there is a breed of Tammys that enjoy both and they tend to be a fierce strand. Just as these Tammys enjoy both tabasco sauce and pancake syrup, they can enjoy both cigarettes and diet pepsi.




More Tammys smoking:















Mandys and diet soda:

Celebrity Tammy: Bea Arthur

David Bowie in Labyrinth wasn’t the only one to disrupt your sense of gender when you were a kid.



This is when the girls go on a murder mystery weekend vacation. Dorothy single handedly solves the crime, right after she throws this zinger at Blanche:

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

How to Spot a Tammy: Certain Shades of Blonde

Myth Dispelled: Mandys Can Like Guns

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

Tammy versus Mandy: Pregnancy

Emily Carroll once said that only Mandys would look at a picture of a fetus in a sonogram and think it's cute. Mandys love the whole process of pregnancy, especially when it results with a baby being born. Tammys aren't that interested in any of it; they just throw the baby on the pile with the rest of them when it's all over.

Tammy Pregnant:

Mandy pregnant:

Courtneys and Mistys also get pregnant. Courtney, being that she is a Mandy on the inside, loves breeding. Mistys, who have no sincere connection to pregnancy or children, have endless amounts of kids in an attempt to disguise her disinterest.

Courtney versus Misty:

The Daily Mandy Glamour Shot

The Tammy You Know

Everyone knows, or has known, a Tammy who looks exactly like this:

Tammy and Mandy Overlap: Unicorns

It turns out that just as both Tammy and Mandy like horses, they also both like horses with horns on their heads that aren’t real; but they are each interested in different types of unicorns. Sigmund Freud, the guy who studied Mandy’s shelves, again helps to explain the variation in unicorns. The anal stage is the term Freud used to describe the development during the second year of life, in which a child's pleasure and conflict centers are in the anal area. This stage is exemplified by a toddler's pleasure in controlling his or her bowels.

When there is excessive gratification in this stage, it leads to the development of an extremely generous, unorganized personality called anal expulsive. Those who are anally-expulsive are said to have been liberally trained at using the toilet as children. The demand for perfection was not strictly adhered to (by the parent or parents). An anal expulsive personality is broadly defined as exhibiting cruelty, emotional outbursts, disorganization, self-confidence, liberal-mindedness, generosity, rebelliousness and general carelessness. The anal expulsive unicorn is the unicorn that Tammy likes. Tammy wears this unicorn, especially on a t-shirt or tattoo, as a big ‘fuck you’ to her audience. They are usually accompanied by lightning or something equally as tough and out of control, and are commonly airbrushed. The unicorn is both feminine and rough, often like Tammy herself. The anal expulsive unicorn:

When gratification does not occur in the anal stage, the individual becomes extremely organized and develop a personality called anal retentive. Freud theorized that children who experience conflicts during this period of time may develop this personality trait associated with a child's efforts at excretory control: orderliness, stubbornness, a compulsion for control, as well as a generalized interest in collecting, possessing, and retaining objects. Mandy likes this type of attractive, clean and straightforward unicorn. It is easy to see why Mandy likes unicorns because they satisfy her need for pretty and happy childhood mysticism, as well as appease some derailed or repressed sexual desires. The anal retentive unicorn:

To Hold You Through The Long Weekend

Tammy and Mandy:





And, thank you Laura Brothers for the skillz.

Wednesday Query: Tammy, Mandy, or Hybrid?

Does she want her hand there or would she rather be using it to punch you for looking at her man?

How to Spot a Mandy: Her Clothes Match Her Children's [no matter what age]

Correction

Sometimes they sort of give a shit

Tammy versus Mandy: Friend Photos

Only one pair gives a shit.

or

Tammy and Mandy Overlap: Bed Shots

Who doesn't like a shot of themselves on a bed?

Tammy:

Mandy:

Note: It became clear to me while doing this photo search that Tammys present themselves by inflating what they know and Mandys present themselves by inflating what they don’t know. Some Tammy bed shots were far more sexual (not properly represented here), informing the audience that she knows sexual things, and Mandy bed shots are characterized by the presentation of asexuality or not yet knowing sexual things. Even the suggestive Mandy shots are subtle.

Tammy versus Mandy: Hair Puffiness

Sometimes Tammys like to keep things subtle. Unlike Mandy, who keeps her hair large all around her head, Tammy likes to have just the top front be bulbous. There's no need to brag.

Whatever reservation Mandy has in her choice of beachwear is made up by her complete commitment to keeping her entire head of hair large.

How to Spot a Tammy: Gambling

The truth is, Tammys do get high from having a little hope, but it always comes from something that will eventually fail them: drunk driving, meth, and gambling.

Myth Dispelled: Tammys Do Wear Scrunchies

Mandy: Chocolate and Cultural Feminism

Cultural feminism is the idea that women are better than men because they are inherently more peaceful and endure different things like menstruation and a natural attraction toward Redbook. Although American cultural feminism was most popular in the early 1900s, it still exists today with many Mandys and can be best witnessed in the context of chocolate.

Mandy loves chocolate because it’s like a secret affair that she can talk about as much as she wants. Mandy loves and needs chocolate even though eating it means cheating on her diet; this creates an ongoing struggle that makes for copious conversation. To expunge the guilt, Mandys often congregate and eat chocolate together while discussing their decadence. Mandys often discuss chocolate as being something women inherently need to maintain mental stability (see numbers 3, 5 and 6 of the Top Ten Reasons I Love Chocolate). This conversation undoubtedly leads to the topic of PMS because there is no time that Mandy needs chocolate more than before her period. Mandys perpetuate the severity of PMS as yet another thing women are forced to deal with. From here, the discussion is bound to go to the topic of childbirth and its many tortures that women are strong enough to endure; therefore making women better than men due to natural differences.

Present Mandy with chocolate and the conversatin will undoubtedly go like this: Chocolate -> PMS -> Childbirth -> Women are better than Men

Why Freud Matters OR How to Spot a Mandy: Shelves Devoted Solely to Figurines/Stuffed Animals

The theories of Sigmund Freud, the creepy uncle of psychology, are mostly bunk except for the proposal that the psyche could be divided into three parts: Id, super-ego, and Ego (and it’s only true if you replace “psyche” with “Mandy’s shelves”).

The id is known as the child-like portion of the psyche that is very impulsive and only takes into account what it wants and disregards all consequences. This is the teen Mandy shelf, which is cluttered with superfluous dolphins, stuffed animals or pictures of only her intimate world. The only thing demonstrating a connection to the broader outside world is a pin-up of Clay Aiken.

The super-ego is the moral code of the psyche that solely follows right and wrong and takes into account no special circumstances in which the morally right thing may not be right for that situation. This is the Precious Moments shelf, which has meticulously arranged porcelain baby angels, glass animals, or delicate things related to Jesus. Everything on this shelf represents all the good things in the world and is not to be touched or broken.

Lastly, the ego is the balance between the id and the super-ego. After the super-ego and id are balanced, the ego acts in a way that takes both impulses and morality into consideration. This is the country home shelf, which takes the relaxed whimsy of stuffed animals from the id and the self-aware decoration of the super-ego. This shelf knows that we all are different and fallible, but there are some basic human rules that are somehow inherently related to quilts.

Who Would You Rather Spend The Day With?

I say day with Mandy and night with Tammy.

White Sneakers in Action: Tammy

How to Spot a Mandy: Middle-Aged Gaydom

Mandy is a mild version of the stereotypical middle-aged gay man [usually minus the secret alcoholism and desire for butt sex] because she likes Bette Midler, cooking, cats, dancing, gold jewelry and turtlenecks.

Mandy also likes hanging out with gay men because of their similar interests/lack of other options and because they tell her she is pretty. Some Mandys find so much in common with gay men that she marries one, increasing their net family Mandiness by 85%:

Yin Yang Revised

It really makes you think.

How to Spot a Tammy: Libertarianism [She's Actively Uninterested in Your Problems]

Tammy's problems are so much bigger than anyone else's that she doesn't want to hear about your issues. Tammy was born in a mud puddle, killed coyotes/her step father to survive, and quit school when she was 7 years old. Now she's working at a diner and doesn't want to hear it from you; so get a job.

Happy Mother's Day Misty

Happy Mother's Day Courtney

Happy Mother's Day Mandy

Happy Mother's Day Tammy

How to Spot a Tammy: She Likes Trucks

Hybrid in Focus: Mt (Misty)

Misty, who has the exterior of a Mandy and the interior of a Tammy, is the sad clown hybrid. Misty’s outside appearance of optimistic Mandyness exists to hide her inside hopelessness. Unlike Courtney, who is actually just being herself when she calls kittens “mother fucking cute”, Misty’s identity is based on a denial of parts of herself. Misty wants so much to be a Mandy, but is held back by her embarrassing fear that there is no reason to live. Misty is not a closeted Tammy because her identity is too engrained in the denial of Tammyness to ever embrace its freedom. Mistys are naturally prone to joining fundamentalist religions/ hating Harry Potter because they actually fear god does not exist.

Mistys are the people who look like Mandys but who are pained or angry in the eyes.

North Country Mandys

In response to a question from my sister:

It occurred to me, while looking at the fourth yellowish Tammy, that she looks French-Canadian (i.e., dark-haired, slim-nosed, tough, beautiful). Which leads me to my query: is it possible to grow up in upstate New York and NOT be a Tammy? Sociopolitical conditions are determined by geography, even way-back-when geography. Is it possible that people who grow up on the Mooers-North Champlain-West Chazy latitude have geography to thank for being Tammy?

Geography is relevant in how Tammy and Mandy present themselves, but rarely affects the percentage of either population within a region. Most environments have an inherent homeostatis that ensures an equal distribution of Tammys and Mandys to maintain a stable, constant condition.

In the case of upstate New York, the entire paradigm is shifted so that Tammys look extreme and Mandys look like Tammys. Because of the geography and culture, Mandys might even still smoke and drink canned beer - but they are distinctly Mandys. Upstate Mandys love cooking, inspirational posters, having babies, decorating the house, and shopping. In fact, the entire north country economy relies on Mandys to purchase an excess of valueless things designed with teddy bears, American flags, seasonal designs, and flowers. A good example is this wreath that can be found in local businesses and Walmart alike:



Here are some north country Mandys that may otherwise look like Tammys:

How to Spot a Tammy: Out of Focus Self Portrait

Anyone who makes available a yellowish photograph of themselves (or a photograph of a photograph) taken from a web cam or camera phone is a Tammy until proven otherwise.

How Tammy Uses Sparkles

Please don't fail to see the word "sensual" in the upper right corner.

How to Spot a Mandy: Context Clues

Hybrid in Focus: Tm (Courtney)

Courtney is the Tammy exterior with the Mandy interior. To summarize, she’ll slice you if you break one of her Precious Moments dolls.





Courtney can be hard to spot because she looks just like a purebred Tammy, but she believes in fate, angels, and American Idol. You might have encountered a Courtney if you ever had someone ride your ass, pass you, and give you the finger in a car that has the back window filled with stuffed animals. It was hard to find photographs of Courtney, but I found a few:

Tammy versus Mandy: Rules

Even though most Tammys have similar rules, they consider their standards self-made; and it is irrelevant whether these rules align with conventional social and legal standards. One important rule is to be undyingly loyal and defend friends and family no matter the cost. An equally important lesson is that all you have is yourself and you should trust no one. You can tell a true Tammy by her aptitude to maintain those two rules without them being contradictory. Unless she is a cop herself (which, percentage-wise, is somehow likely), Tammys avoid police officers because they have the potential to interfere with Tammys own set of rules (which also includes that beer is allowed everywhere).







Mandys generally adhere to conventional social and legal rules, and therefore view police officers as being on their side. Even Red Hat Mandys, who define themselves by breaking some social rules, are dependent upon, and compliant to, most essential legal rules. Whereas Tammy devotes most of her respect to people in the military, Mandy highly respects police officers and really likes men in uniform, even Mexican ones.

Heaven and Earth

Sunday Query: Tammy, Mandy, or Berdache?

There are conflicting factors. My gut says Tammy but the evidence says Mandy.

Reminding Me How Weak I am

I stumbled upon my doppelganger online. Her name is Sissy and she’s the type of Tammy I could only dream to be. The picture comparison might not be the best but, believe me, we look alike and she’s taunting me.





[actually, she looks more like me in fourth grade].

The Most Obvious Mandy Pastime

Professional glamour shots are good because the results inherently look like they are from circa 1987 to 1995. This is undoubtedly Mandy's territory because feather boas, cowboy hats, leather jackets, and America backgrounds are the epitome of femininity.








[Closeted Tammy trying to fit in?]



The occasional Tammy that gets a glamour shot is rare because she has to know how to use a computer (because the only reason for the picture is to solicit sex off the internet).

How to Spot a Tammy: She Needs Another Felony Conviction

How to Spot a Tammy: There's Not Much To Smile About